I still remember one of the dumbest fights Josh and I ever had.

It started over an invite to a ministry serve opportunity he was doing.

He planned to go to the event his work demanded of him.
He didn’t think to invite me. I told him how disappointed I was he didn’t think of me.
He got defensive.
I escalated.
He shut down.

And suddenly we were no longer discussing plans.

I was crying in the pantry saying things like:

“You don’t need me, you don’t consider me,  you don’t love me.”

He was saying:

“I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.”

How did we get there?

Because repetitive conflict is rarely about the surface issue.

The Gottman Institute found that nearly 69% of marital conflict is perpetual.

That means mature couples don’t avoid recurring conflict, they learn to understand what’s underneath it.

What’s really underneath repetitive conflict?

• fear of rejection 
• feeling unseen 
• unmet expectations 
• exhaustion 
• childhood wounds 
• communication styles 

The pursuer/withdrawer cycle:

One spouse pushes harder.
One spouse shuts down.

One says:
“Why won’t you talk?”

The other thinks:
“Why would I talk if I’m going to be criticized?”

And around and around you go.

Ask this instead:

“What am I actually feeling right now?”

Am I hurt?
Rejected?
Overwhelmed?
Afraid?

Biblical Truth:

James 1:19 reminds us to be quick to listen and slow to speak.

Close:

Healthy couples stop trying to win arguments and start learning each other. Learning each other and fixing each other are not the same thing. We can feel curious, hold space with each other, without feeling responsible to change one other. This week try asking, “what could be under the surface of this argument?” Then ask the God of all compassion to fill you a new with empathy and the ability to listen without judgement.